Post No. 27

I don't have a clue on what to name this blog post so I settled for Post No. 27. 

A lot of things are going through my head right now. The first one is that I'm glad to prove myself wrong. I have always thought that my sister is just a tiny black speck in our family that you really just want to get off. However, reading her journal online just made me see her the way I'm not used to (or supposed to).

My sister and I are always bickering. Now that I look back, we fight about the simplest things that truthfully don't really matter. We glare. We fire hurtful retorts. Call each other bitches. Shout profanities at each other. Some might say this is what sisters' do. Before, I would have resented the fact that you even called her my sister. Because in my mind, she's a stuck-up spoiled brat who always gets what she wants (the way I never did). We are never really close. Her secrets whispered only to her closest friends and I was never her friend. I'm just the annoying, sometimes tolerable little sister. I knew she had been through a lot of experiences, at least a lot more than I have, and I regret that I had not been a avid part of her life.

There are times when I wish I had done something different. If I had, things would be different; maybe the world would even be happier. This is one of those times. I wish I had been there for my sister, for the times she needed family the most. Friends do give comfort but it's still the love and understanding of a family that makes the dark grey sky shine with light. (I'm using too many metaphors but it's just how it is.) I'm mentally berating myself for not coming to see if she's okay after she learned that one of her friends committed suicide. There were so many things I could have done and so many things I should have left unsaid. 

However, it's too late to dwell on the past. It's time to make a new future. Today. At this very moment. I am proud to say that yes, she's my sister and yes, we may be bitches at times but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm probably being sappy right now but to hell with it! I love my sister (but that wouldn't stop me from fighting with her; it would only make me understand her a bit more and listen to her).

Another thing that has been bothering me is the question, "have I made the correct college course choice?" I know it's too late to back out now. We have already paid my reservation fee and I had really put my foot down on this decision. But whenever I see people doing jobs that change lives, I wonder if my course choice would help me get that type of job. Hospitality industry? Hotels? It's all business. I hardly see any charity work done unless it's a big publicity stunt. I want to make a lasting impression on people. I want to help and be a part of something big. Something monumental. Something great. It's far ahead but I know someday I will always wonder if I had taken the hard road of being a teacher, would I feel like a puzzle finally falls in place? I guess I'm going to wonder for a long time. 

The third and last thing that has been running around my head for a while (yes, there's more) is that I'm slowly falling out of love. I used to think I would be with this person forever. At times, I would always imagine us growing old together. Together. Such an easy thing to say but it really takes effort. This person has all my love but as more than friends? I'm not sure. I've been distant and I can tell that it's starting to hurt. I'm trying to mend the broken bridge because I have to make sure I do everything to make our relationship work (before or if I decided to give up). But would it be worth it? Would we be happiest together or apart? There are so many questions, few answers and endless possibilities but only one choice. 

I'm hiding these feelings because I'm afraid. Of what? I honestly don't know. I feel lighter now that I've let it out. I know this blog post wouldn't solve any of my problems or answer any of my questions but it did help me get my mind straight and think. There's so much a person can hide before it becomes too much and it just eats them away. I can't be one of those people.